Christian greetings!

Last week I shared with you how the name "Paula" was born, along with my early days of going out in public dressed in female attire. Bear in mind, other things happened during those days. I am doing these "Adventures of Paula" columns as "teasers" to make folk want to buy my autobiography once it is printed. I am also doing this in my podcasts. The podcast made last Friday, April 1, elaborated on some other experiences I had during these early days of going out in female attire that are not in last week's email column. Also, the singing ministry of Rev. Delores Berry is featured on the podcasts.

One little change/clarification from last week's email column. On the 4th paragraph from the end, I state:"...about a month prior to making the transition from Larry to Paula, I attended First Assembly of God church...". I am changing that sentence to read: "...about a month prior to starting to live full-time as Paula, I attended First Assembly of God church...". On May 1, 1963 Paula was born and all of Larry's clothes were left behind. BEFORE that date, however, I was going out in public more and more as Paula. In my autobiography, this chapter may be entitled HAT WIG HAPPENINGS.

BROKEN TOOLS:

It was Labor Day, 1980. The sun's rays blanketed Eugene, Oregon with perfect warmth -- an ideal Oregon Fall day. Public parks were filled with families feasting over picnic tables. The laughter of children filled the air. And right in the midst of all this happiness and festivity walked a very lonely and unhappy human being -- me.

In the Spring of 1980 I resigned my post as Church Secretary of Metropolitan Community Church of Portland (MCCP). I boldly announced to the world via the pulpit and printed page (both the church newsletter and the Gay publication The NW Fountain) that God had called me to relocate in Eugene. In hindsight, I feel I made a mistake. Over the years, many of my poor choices were made publicly -- and when the moves and choices proved to be wrong, I had to "eat crow" and admit I made a mistake. Some people think I am too "open" for my own good -- but that is just the way I am. I am rarely "quiet" about anything.

The scriptures talk about "fiery trials" -- well, this Eugene venture was just that. My few months in Eugene comprise some of the unhappiest moments of my life. In my published autobiography more detail about the reasons for this will be given.

As I walked through the park on that beautiful Fall day, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of total aloneness. I viewed the hetereosexual families with their picnic tables with envy. Questions raced through my mind: "Why wasn't I born a hetereosexual male or female?", 'Why was I innately between the two sexes?", "Why didn't I enjoy a family lifestyle?", "Why do I 'fall in love' with the wrong person?" I plunged into deep depression and despair. In that moment, I felt that my life was hopeless. There I was, in a small town, surrounded with colleagues who, I felt at the time, did not understand me at all." And my homesickness for Portland was powerful.

Jack St. John, the Music Director of MCCP, had also moved to Eugene during this time. For details of my relationship with him, you'll have to wait for the book to be published. Suffice it to say here, Jack was unable to help me with my deep-seated emotional problems in Eugene for reasons that will be obvious when you read my book, and because of the fact that he had problems of his own. In spite of the storminess of our relationship, there was a deep love between us that remains to this very day.

Just prior to Labor Day 1980, knowing my deep emotional pain, Jack wrote an article just for me. Later, when I moved back to Portland and was writing a regular column for the Gay press, I interpolated Jack's thoughts into a THOUGHTS FROM PAULA column and entitled it BROKEN TOOLS. Here is how I worded it:

I sat down on a park bench [Labor Day Eugene 1980], oblivious to all that was going on around me. I thought about Jack's article and saw myself in a garden, badly overrun with weeds, surrounded with broken tools. An inner voice spoke, lovingly, and yet with a hint of irritation, said: "What has happened here?" "I don't know," I replied, distantly. "Where has everybody gone?" My eyes were full of tears and I was too tired and unhappy to let them fall. "I just don't know."

"I told you I would fix the tools," said the Inner Voice. I lashed out: "They break every five minutes. People come to help; they suddently disappear without a word! Every time I think I've found someone, they fall by the wayside. I'm tired, I'm alone and I'm scared."

Suddenly I grabbed a red rose, the only think growing in that patch of weeds, defiantly closed my eyes tightly, stubbornly set my lips, and waited for the Inner Voice to go away.

A female voice said: "It grieves me to see our child so unhappy. What shall we do?". In response, the same Voice, but now with a male sound, said, "We have given her every tool she needs. She must use them."

"But she is so lonely and disillusioned. Maybe the row we've given her IS too hard for her to hoe."

"We have made her in our image," the Voice replied "And more so than many of our other children, we have given her much of ourselves: our inclusivity of emotions, our various orientations, our maleness AND our femaleness. She is more of a total person than the other children."

"The other children don't understand her. They ostracize her from their private times. They don't let her get close to them. They withhold their special love from her."

"She must depend on Us all the more. Let's fix these tools and see if she'll try again."

Suddenly, the ground shook and burst forth with fragrant blossoms. "Paula," the Voice spoke, :"Paula, I love you." Flowers bloomed. Weeds disappeared. The tools were again repaired as new.

Again, the Voice spoke: "People are human. They will fail you. Only I am perfect."

Within seconds I was again aware of my surroundings -- the park and its sounds of happiness. Introspectively, I took a deep breath and said, "I can do it. I'll make it, I know." A peace swept over me. The female Voice said, "She'll make it." The male Voice said, "We'll stay near. The words of Jesus came to mind: "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

And I knew that my time in Eugene was soon coming to a close. And I realized that God has a purpose for us even in difficult and trying times -- and his grace, mercy and compassion is ever present even in our wrong choices.

Well, that was 25 years ago. I survived. Just today I received an email from a TV listener that said, in part: "...your audience is not comprised of only those with gender issues or 'differences', but also include folks who simply appreciate your forthright sincerity, well-grounded perspective, and ability to present theology as a humane and realistic lifestyle that, contrary to being exclusive, is intead all-inclusive, and emphasizes that no one need be left out or cast aside for any reason whatsoever."

Always remember, there's someone who loves you, who is with you whenever you pray. And that One is Jesus Christ, seated at the right hand of God, ever living to make interecession for us, the One who is touched with the feeling of our infirmities -- who understands are cares. Know that!

-- SISTER PAULA NIELSEN